well, i guess i've been avoiding this for a while...work has been stressful, life is stressful, i have an ulcer, high blood pressure, and insomnia all due to this stress...glorius...

i'm just tired of fighting with people...really i am...i dont want to fight with dave, especially not about stupid issues...it bothers me a lot...its not that i think i'm right, but sometimes i wish that he'd admit to having flaws...because whenever i try to show him that he's being arrogant, he throws something else in my face to change the subject, he completely evades what i say and comes back with something wity...i guess i dont understand him...i guess i dont understand his lack of sympathy, not that i'm looking for it from him...but he doesnt seem to understand that i'm not looking for pity, i'm not asking for anything, i just want him as a friend, if nothing else...but he doesnt seem to realize that he's pushing me away...slowly but surely...i know i'm weak at times...i know that i complain a whole lot about superficial issues, and i know there are bigger issues in this world as i type this...but you know, just because it's not as big as another problem, doesnt make it hurt any less...its just that it's here now, and yes i understand there is a war going on in Iraq, and that people are dying...but not everyone is affected the same way...as selfish as it sounds, i want to live my life...my life doesnt revolve around the next upcoming issue...i guess what i was trying to say about the whole drama queen comment was it just seems that whenever an issue comes up you immerse yourself in it, and it becomes your life, it seems without conflict you have nothing...and as far as not understanding kids our age, i just meant that you dont seem to go through all the teenage drama that i do, or that my friends do, its like you're 40 and your life revolves around your job and politics...i dont know what to tell you, it just seems that when ever i'm not being defensive, you get very defensive, and its like boxing, blow for blow, if i hit you, you have hit back harder until i'm down...and its always like that...and i dont want to get into potentially heated conversations with you because i dont want you belittling me anymore...i'm tired of every conversation ending with me feeling worse about myself just because you want me to grow a spine, that you want me to defend myself...i've got news for you, babe, negative reinforcement only leads to negative results...if every time i talk to you, you tell me to grow a spine, i makes me want to just answer with "indeed" or "i agree" i just dont want to fight with you. i am a defensive, and usually passive person...I DONT LIKE CONFLICT. and i'm sorry...

i can no longer pray for peace...now i can only wish for a miracle...war is inevitable...

well, sorry its been a while, and here's a quick update about my life since the last time i wrote...my grandmother died. that was horrible. still is horrible. lots of things happened, i have a couple of jobs and life is hectic...but now to the point...this is something i've been thinking of for a while...

1953: U.S. overthrows Prime Minister Mossadeq of Iran. U.S. installs Shah as dictator.

1954: U.S. overthrows democratically-elected President Arbenz of Guatemala. 200,000 civilians killed.

1963: U.S. backs assassination of South Vietnamese President Diem.

1963-1975: American military kills 4 million civilians in Southeast Asia.

September 11, 1973: U.S. stages coup in Chile. Democratically elected president Salvador Allende assassinated. Dictator Augusto Pinochet installed. 5,000 Chileans murdered.

1977: U.S. backs military rulers of El Salvador. 70,000 Salvadorans and four American nuns killed.

1980's: U.S. trains Osama bin Laden and fellow terrorists to kill Soviets. CIA gives them $3 billion.

1981: Reagan administration trains and funds "contras". 30,000 Nicaraguans die.

1982: U.S. provides billions in aid to Saddam Hussein for weapons to kill Iranians.

1983: White House secretly gives Iran weapons to help them kill Iraqis.

1989: CIA agent Manuel Noriega (also serving as President of Panama) disobeys orders from Washington. U.S. invades Panama and removes Noriega. 3,000 Panamanian civilian casualties

1990: Iraq invades Kuwait with weapons from U.S.

1991: U.S. enters Iraq. Bush reinstates dictator of Kuwait.

1998: Clinton bombs "weapons factory" in Sudan. Factory turns out to be making aspirin.

1991 to present: American planes bomb Iraq on a weekly basis. U.N. estimates 500,000 Iraqi children die from bombing and sanctions.

2000-01: U.S. gives Taliban-ruled Afghanistan $245 million in "aid".

September 11, 2001: Osama Bin Laden uses his expert CIA training to murder 3,000 people

great...my grandmother is dying and my heart is in pieces! greatest 2 days of my life!

although i planned on avoiding the internet, this was something i figured i'd share...

britney spears was accepted to brown university...and will be starting in the spring...

all of a sudden it feels as if my gpa there and everything i've done there and before hand has meant shit.

so i leave for florida in 6 hours...and i dont want to go to florida with negative thoughts looming in the air...specifically fighting with dave...i havent actually talked to him since this ordeal started, and i miss talking to him...2am is lonely without him...i can't help but wonder what he's thinking right now, and sure that makes me sound pathetic...but i miss him...jenna told me that i was crazy and that i shouldn't apologize for my issues...and i looked at her and i realized that my insecurites are issues and that i'm being absolutely ridiculous for getting upset that someone else told me that my issues are stupid...i took it far too personally...attacking my issues is not attacking me as a person...insecurites are things that i can change, but i've gotten so used to having them and not trying to change that i say it's impossible to change because i dont know any better...i am selfish...honestly if i had it my way things would work out for the best and i wouldnt be so insecure...and maybe i dont think there are selfless acts because, i, myself have never seen one...like my mom told me, just because i've never seen a billion dollars doesnt mean it doesnt exist...and i dont really know why i got so pissed off, i can only assume its because i'm not used to talking to people like dave, people who are so straight forward and honest...most of my friends would say something like, "do you look in the mirror every time you leave the house?" i'd say, "yeah," and they'd just tell me that its not an insecurity, that it just gives me options as to the way i look, and that just because i looked in the mirror it didnt mean that it changed anything about my personality, beliefs, or morals...so that seemed logical...maybe it was just what i wanted to hear, maybe it made the burden of caring, barable...and then i met dave who wouldnt sugar coat things...and that's what i needed, i need that perverbial smack in the face...or a hit by (what jenna and i like to call) the reality buick...and i guess that having insecurites doesnt mean i'm a failure at life...it just means that there's room to grow out of it...and it's a comforting thought to know that maybe, if i try, i could be a better person...

ok, this is getting lame...

when i said naturally lonely person, i wasnt implying what you thought i was...you take things far too literally...you cant assume that its easy for people to change...just because you might be comfortable being alone doesnt mean that others should be as well...

i'm sick of implications...you blame me for reading to deeply into things...well you do it too...

as far as selfless acts go, those come down to intent...whether it be subconcious or conscious decision...and the idea that there are no selfless acts does not make me selfish, it makes me cynical...which i will admit to being...

i know its not impossible to change a person's way of thinking, but it is harder than it sounds....

"My heart doesn't think." thank you captain obvious...

im sick of the both of us getting defensive...i'm getting tired of this arguing...