honestly i dont know what to tell you...

yesterday i went and visited a lot of my friends, and it was good until i got the news jenna was leaving...then everything turned to shit...i was honestly really hoping to see justin (my other best friend) but that didnt happen, he didnt even call, but i figured he probably had a long day at work, so i didnt bother calling him...instead my friend ayaan and i watched dogma in hopes of lifting our spirits...however, i felt like shit, and i think she did too, so she said it was probably best if we cut the night short, she said it before i did...i still feel absolutely miserable, and i know it's not going to get any better, in fact i know it's going to get worse...

at least there are a few people who make me feel a little better, maybe not about the situation, but just in general, but that's all i can ask for right now...and besides a solution, its all i really need...

all i can say right now is, thank god the college kids get a winter break and a lot of my friends will be coming home...

one of my two best friends is moving to florida in six months, i am a fucking mess right now, and i can't stop crying...

i feel like someone just kicked me in the stomach...

things are falling apart with my family...i dont want parts of it to fall away...

my heart will break if she leaves...i will break if she leaves...

well, work was amusing, yet slow...jess believes that i'm going after the only male employee at the store because i was wearing that pink shirt of mine...she's in love with him, i laughed and said, "i wouldnt allow myself to be picked by a guy because of the shirt i'm wearing" which is true. tomorrow should be interesting, i bailed on MassArt simply due to the fact i dont want to, and besides that theres nothing to do and everyone is busy and everyone else will be in school...so the plan is to go to worcester which i'm hoping will be a good time and i'm hoping my car wont end up in a ditch somewhere due to the snow...yeah so theory is i'll be there til about 4:30-5:00 unless max is free in which case i'll be there longer. so lets see, the snow sucks, there were a few accidents that i saw...i'm writing a new song about winter in suburbia...its long and depressing...snowboarding and skiing are plans for later december/early january...also seeing RENT in NY, very stoked. :) thank god i have tomorrow off. im bored. and well, i miss people...

AIM has more or less died on me...therefore there is no real way of contacting me...you can email me at FadingRedStar@hotmail.com, and that's about all i can think of until i can figure out what or who is screwing my computer over...

::sighs:: stupid fucking machines...

so apparently there's this conspiracy to fire the new guy because everyone is creeped out by him, and they more or less have already hired his replacement. tonight my dad and i found this old school light up santa, he stands 3 feet tall...believe me when i tell you its just beautiful in its tackiness. however his renovations are slow and tedious...my mother is going to a jewelry party...im not sure why, but she is...my sister is still hopeless...friday i'm going to be in boston, nothing too spectacular going on because everyone's busy...i am the jealous type, that's kinda sad...anyway, these british women came in, and they were so polite, and after several hours with rude people, it was nice. right now i'm rather cranky, people are just pissing me off...trying to make me a better person will in fact piss me off...im tired...liam is in fact one of the only people i've talked to lately who hasnt pissed me off...i need a nap...

there's a new guy working with me, and he's insane...carol hates him because he jokes around with the customers...she has no sense of humor and blames it on getting a cold...today we got into a wasabi pea fight in the back room...that was highly amusing. my parents are out somewhere, honestly i'm very happy being alone tonight, i appreciate being able to listen to my music at high decibels...just kidding...it gives me the perfect opportunity to meditate and just clear my head...this cute guy came into the store today with a british accent, something about guys with british accents...or accents in general that make me smile. anyway, he started this 5 minute conversation with me after purchasing some rather odd products from the store...anyway, i called my sister and yelled at her...she wasnt listening to me, so i gave up, ending it with, "you're digging yourself into a hole" ::sighs:: i'm planning on taking a trip to somewhere interesting during the summer of 2004. im not sure where or with who, but i want to travel. i'm tired, and rather drained, so i'll stop my meandering thoughts and take a nap.

a new start on a new frame of mind, if i could frame my mind, where would it hang? anyway, the point of this...this being a new place to write about things i couldnt articulate at the right times...things i've come to realize about myself, i am: selfish, pretentious, i want things that are too good for me because i think i'm better than i really am (and no its not self esteem), i'm not beautiful (i dont even have a subtle charm)...i treat my friends better than most of them deserve, most of my friends think i'm better than i really am, most of my friends dont know me...i'm so conceited...who am i to think that i'm better than anyone...who am i to say anything...tonight many of my flaws were pointed out to me bluntly at the worst possible times...i was called pretentious, which honestly hurt more than i could imagine because it came from someone who i hold in high regard....then the second also came from some i hold in high regard, that being mother...i need to work on being a better person...i need to be a better person...