wow...

i never knew i could feel like this...that i could want something so much...

in other news, its saturday...unproductive day but not for lack of trying...

things are good...

I GOT A JOB! so that's that big news...

im feeling rather girly, i finally read the text message justin sent me, made me laugh, got left a message by someone else..oh god, smile from ear to ear...hehehe...

got an email from London James...he met famous people last night...he's got a new lady friend which is really cute/funny cause he asks me for dating tips, my advice dont take relationship advice from someone who's not in a relationship...

let this all work out...

i feel lost in the world...i have no direction...and that scares me...i guess i'm too bitter and cynical to see true potential to do what i love to do as a living...i'm too afraid of failing...i'm too afraid to shoot for the moon, just to end up among the stars...i'm so afraid of trying for a dream that means so much to me, just to fail...i'm sick of failing...

I'M GOING TO LONDON!

either in may or june...i'll be spending 3 weeks with james...that will be interesting considering he lives with 3 other guys who drink and smoke...but they're all very cool guys. oh god...london!

looks as if i could possibly be getting a job at a gardening warehouse...it's right down the road from me, so i'm happy about that...i'll earn money to pay for my car, and money for london...

the doctors appointments went smoothly i suppose...i need to find the list of psychologists/therapists that my health insurance covers...

my mom says if i get the job it means i dont have to go to florida...however if i get the job i will start as soon as humanly possible and work ungodly hours...

all in all im excited...

tomorrow i'm driving to easthampton with colin and justin fun times. :)

today holds the promise of being a better day. get to see my 2 best friends, spending the entire day with Jenna who is like a little sister to me, i actually refer to her as my little sister, but also as my best friend. tomorrow (the 7th) i'll be going to see justin's band, but unfortunately the idea of seeing the neurologist is still looming over my head...i think this "depression" if you want to call it that is coming from my lack of job...i need to be out of my house...i need to be productive...i guess lately i've lacked any real convictions...i've been sleeping late, and have tried to stay in my pajamas as long as humanly possible...my mother gets worried too easily.