in less than 2 hours i did all my christmas shoping, spending a little under $200 on 9 people...

today i found out that i have to completely change my diet...but that's ok, just means no more soda, no more junkfood...i figured that was coming...

i think tomorrow morning i will start walking/jogging...15 days in a row can start a habit...

think of a softball...i feel about that big today...

how life changes...

jamie (not james) turns 19 on friday...

boy has he changed since highschool...its funny now that i think about it...before (meaning in highschool) i fell for jamie...and now, i have more of an urge to be his friend than anything else...

im on a mission to find something i like about everyone, and since i work in a very social situation i intend on making everyone smile...well, not everyone...but you know, making people smile is nice...

yeah, daves got something for someone, and max has something for someone...and i well i'm not exactly sure...

ok, well, my other mission is to care less about what others think of me...or maybe just take it into consideration, but not to heart...

ok, goodnight.

::sighs:: so check this out...back in the day when life sucked for me (roughly 3.5 years ago)...i got all, "the world suck life has no meaning, i want to die, blah blah blah" so i did something about that...emptied an entire bottle of excedrin...caused my liver to bleed...next year, i did it again...then 2 years passed and things got better. figured after 2 years all would be well and things inside of me would repair themselves as they have a tendency of doing...apparently after not feeling so well, i took 2 excedrins not thinking anything of it...then i got worse...apparently i fucked up so badly before that just taking those 2 excedrins started the bleed and the vomiting again...great...

doctor told me that it should stop and that it was probably only my body's defense system at work considering the other 2 times i had taken excedrin, it came in mass quanities...i guess that makes sense...

i feel fine though...

anyway, friday is boston whether or not dave is there to keep me company or not is his choice...after boston i'll be going to the palladium to see Taking Back Sunday...it might run into people i dont like...and i might run into a couple i do...who knows what tomorrow brings...

so i'm burning my hardcore mixes, which include the hope conspiracy, bane, american nightmare, and throwdown...hardcore mix 2 will include, 18 visions, Orchid, The Casualties, and brother Inferior...these 2 cds willl be the music that keeps me awake on the long drives to and from NY...i will be in a car for 8 hours driving...god that's going to hurt...

i lose...that's how my life is...

i guess i can't be mad...i guess i shouldnt hope for things i can't have...i am way too possessive...

why wouldnt he get the girl, he's a great guy, i guess i just wished that i was that girl...but i guess nice girls finish last...

im going to kick at the ground and bury my heart along with the sleeve is so conveniently wear my emotions...

i guess its good that i can laugh at myself...otherwise i'd really feel like a horrible person...

::sighs::

well, tonight was nice, but odd...my mom and i went out to dinner, even though i really didnt want to, but i knew she wanted out of the house, so i threw on the nearest set of clothes. we went to this old restaurant that we (as a family) used to go to...we reminised about "the good old days." it was kinda sad actually...i remembered some of the old posters that were there, and how they've faded...how we've faded...i guess it was nice hanging out with my mom...i think that she still wishes i was 5 again, a time when i was excited about going out to dinner, a time when i didnt have to fake a smile, a time when there wasnt the option of me paying or driving...then we came home and she went through my sister's highschool year book and got all nostalgic, although she tried not to...tomorrow i work again...lets hope it goes smoothly...must remember that i'm working til 6, not 5...must bring atm card...so not in the mood to go christmas shopping...i'll probably only go to the paper factory and buy some wrapping paper, potentially some other random junk...meh...time for sleeping...

so tonight i went to justin's house cause it was his mom's birthday, his mom is incredible. so justin and i talked about what's been on my mind, and i cried, first time i actually really cried infront of justin...and it was odd cause there were other people downstairs with us...but it was just he and i in his room...it was nice to finally cry on someone's shoulder...it was especially nice that it was justin because lately i fear that he and i were at odds in my mind...so all is good, and my stomach is feeling better. i met drew tonight who is a friend of justin's family, he is the little brother of this kid i once knew ages ago, it was crazy, but he seems like a nice kid. anyway tomorrow i drive justin to work, which in short means i'm going to stop talking now. goodnight.

today i left work early, i had an allergic reaction to excedrin today...score...yeah, at 3am i was throwing up in the kitchen sink, all sorts of nasty colors, a couple of which would infer i was bleeding internally, which scares me...so after doing that i felt a bit better, went to sleep and went to work against my better judgement. around 2pm i was feeling horrible again, and i was just waiting by the bathroom door, hoping to god i wouldnt pass out...then i threw up again...that was disgusting considering i had nothing in my system besides water...anyway i dont want to gross you out anymore so i'll stop and change the subject...ok, i had this sweet conversation with my friend james...

him: lorin, you know what?
me: what's that?
him: i got you a christmas present.
me: i got you one too
him: what did you get me?
me: if i told you it wouldnt be a surprise...
him: can i tell you what i got you? please?!?!?!?!?!?!
me: oh all right...what did you get me?
him: a promise ring
me: james, we arent even dating...
him: i know, but do you remember when we were 10
me: sorta why?
him: we made a promise to each other that we'd be there for each other for all time through thick and thin, through the good times and the bad
me: yeah i'll never forget that
him: well, this is just to show you that i havent forgotten either, and that i know we'll be going through some rough times in the future, and its just to let you know that i PROMISE to always be there for you.
::i started crying::