so i leave for florida in 6 hours...and i dont want to go to florida with negative thoughts looming in the air...specifically fighting with dave...i havent actually talked to him since this ordeal started, and i miss talking to him...2am is lonely without him...i can't help but wonder what he's thinking right now, and sure that makes me sound pathetic...but i miss him...jenna told me that i was crazy and that i shouldn't apologize for my issues...and i looked at her and i realized that my insecurites are issues and that i'm being absolutely ridiculous for getting upset that someone else told me that my issues are stupid...i took it far too personally...attacking my issues is not attacking me as a person...insecurites are things that i can change, but i've gotten so used to having them and not trying to change that i say it's impossible to change because i dont know any better...i am selfish...honestly if i had it my way things would work out for the best and i wouldnt be so insecure...and maybe i dont think there are selfless acts because, i, myself have never seen one...like my mom told me, just because i've never seen a billion dollars doesnt mean it doesnt exist...and i dont really know why i got so pissed off, i can only assume its because i'm not used to talking to people like dave, people who are so straight forward and honest...most of my friends would say something like, "do you look in the mirror every time you leave the house?" i'd say, "yeah," and they'd just tell me that its not an insecurity, that it just gives me options as to the way i look, and that just because i looked in the mirror it didnt mean that it changed anything about my personality, beliefs, or morals...so that seemed logical...maybe it was just what i wanted to hear, maybe it made the burden of caring, barable...and then i met dave who wouldnt sugar coat things...and that's what i needed, i need that perverbial smack in the face...or a hit by (what jenna and i like to call) the reality buick...and i guess that having insecurites doesnt mean i'm a failure at life...it just means that there's room to grow out of it...and it's a comforting thought to know that maybe, if i try, i could be a better person...

ok, this is getting lame...

when i said naturally lonely person, i wasnt implying what you thought i was...you take things far too literally...you cant assume that its easy for people to change...just because you might be comfortable being alone doesnt mean that others should be as well...

i'm sick of implications...you blame me for reading to deeply into things...well you do it too...

as far as selfless acts go, those come down to intent...whether it be subconcious or conscious decision...and the idea that there are no selfless acts does not make me selfish, it makes me cynical...which i will admit to being...

i know its not impossible to change a person's way of thinking, but it is harder than it sounds....

"My heart doesn't think." thank you captain obvious...

im sick of the both of us getting defensive...i'm getting tired of this arguing...

i cant exactly articulate what's running through my mind...

but i guess that i dont really know everything about myself, and that scares me, the idea that someone else could know more about me scares me...

as far as the insecurites go...well, i wasnt trying to justify my insecurities based on how common it is...insecurities arent wrong though...a person with no insecurities or claims to have no insecurites is by far the most arrogant person...sure insecurites are selfish and superficial...we are social beings, sure we could survive without interaction, but that's really not living. everyone person makes a judgement about every person they see, whether they do it on purpose or not. but my insecurites dont run my life...im not inhibited all the time...when i'm with my best friends, my inhibitions go away because i know that they've learned to love me despite all the flaws i have...because that's what friends do...while we're on the subject, i never want you to make assumptions about how my friends treat me, do you honestly think that i havent heard, "you shouldnt care about what others think of you" from all of them? as for embracing loneliness...you are not a naturally lonely person...i happen to be...i understand that we're always alone with out thoughts, but since you're not a naturally lonely person, you dont seem to understand that its hard to not have anyone to share them with...i never said that i cast aside my feelings, i said that i was just more passive, that the issues that i dont find to be worth arguing about, i dont argue...but that doesnt mean that i dont still have strong convictions about other things...no act is selfless...as much as you'd like to argue that...no act is selfless...

and few more things....if you're going to judge and criticize me, i'd rather you do it from the heart, not from a book...dont act as if you're a better person than i am, dont act as if you're smarter than i am, that you know more about life than i do...i seriously hope you dont think you're better or smarter than i am...because that's how i feel when you're talking to me...please dont try to fix me...

i do understand that insecurities are stupid...

but if i want to wake up in 4.5 hours i'm going to bed and i'll say more later.